It aint about me.

I find myself on Thursday night still chewing on Sundays sermon. I guess it may be safe to say the sermon is still chewing on me. I am thankful for a pastor who preaches from the word. I am thankful that he will preach on things that step on my toes as well as others and it would be easy to skip those passages and find something more appealing and something that would make us feel good about ourselves. This past Sunday wasn't one of those Sundays. I was reminded it aint about me. Man did I need to hear that. I know there was far more to the sermon but trust me I'm still trying to swallow just that part. There were times I was afraid he was gonna call me out by name but he didn't have to. I found it interesting that a friend of mine made a facebook post about the same thing. What really kicked me in the mouth was they weren't at church on Sunday but her status was though they heard the message. This week "its not about me" has come and gone and sorta been like a pebble in your shoe. Its uncomfortable and then you think its gone and then it rolls back under your toes just as uncomfortable as before. I think it really hit me why I have gotten very little out of reading the Bible for the last while. The same reason I haven't gotten as much from church or prayer. I really made it all about me. I wanted to cherry pick the parts of the Bible I wanted to read. The parts I could find to prove my point. I listened to the word preached and what fit I held on to what was uncomfortable I applied to others. I wanted God to agree with me. I wanted God to show me that I was right. I wanted God to reveal to me in his word that what I wanted him to show me. I wanted to pull out the parts I wanted to put in my tool box or gun bag that I may use against others but wanted to leave the parts like love and forgiveness and acceptance and grace out because they didn't fit my agenda. Rather than reading Gods word and trying to apply it to my life I read Gods word trying to find what fit into my life. Rather than trying to become more Christ like I wanted the word to be more about me and where I was.

No one else is the perfect Christian either.

I have not posted much on what I am thankful for even though its November and in preperation of Thanksgiving many are doing such. I am thankful for the transparency of others. Over the past few days I have had huge range or emotions. I have felt hatred, betrayal, disgust, hurt, and regret. I have questioned lots of things. I have questioned trust and allowing others to get close. I have questioned if its all a lie. Ive questioned if I could just be a decent guy without being tied to a nice Christian guy which is a label I wasnt so sure I wanted. What is the hardest to admit is I have questioned religion, God and his existance. ........Ok now that you have stopped and prayed for me I thank you I promise its much needed. I have felt luke warm for quite some time. I have even felt cold a bit. Oddly enough the first time I admitted that I was questioning God the pipes in our kitchen started gurgling. This morning I was thinking about typing this out and again it gurgled. Maybe its a pipe blockage maybe its God telling me Im letting crap crud my thoughts and slow my flow. I am thankful that over the past few days I have had several people check and see if I was ok. I am thankful that I have shared I havent felt much like praying and several have mentioned they understand and would pray for me. I have even thanked someone for asking me to pray for them because I didnt feel much like praying but will always do for others what I wont do for myself. Who I thought I was helping actually helped me by saying they understood and have been there. I think often times its hard to overcome certain situations because on top of everything else guilt of doubt is thrown on the fire. In our minds we think that no one else has ever doubted. That everyone is 100% on fire for God and every answer is a Sunday School answer. Oh what I would give to have that kind of relationship. I would love to have the fire of a new believer. I would love to have the ability to clear my head and heart and worship. I would love to be so focused on God that I couldnt think of anything else even if for only an hour on Sunday. I would love to be able to leave on fire for the week longing to return hungry for more. I know that in order to truly worship we must lay it all down. I feel that when I do I cant let go because I worry it will be picked up and thrown at me. I know that gifts and offering given when the heart isnt where its supposed to be is like filthy rags. I know we should lay down our differences and cling to unites us. Hard when the mind never settles down never takes a break and unable to rest. Its great to know that its ok and Im not the first to fight this battle. This too shall pass.